Part 20, Chapter 3 - Body Doubles and Booby Traps

Meanwhile, Brown Limper Staffor is still obsessing over Jonnie Goodboy Tyler. He's spent several sleepless days ignoring his duties as planetary mayor, trying to hunt down his nemesis. A recon drone took a picture of "Jonnie" dancing around a bonfire in Scotland, but Brown Limper remembered that Jonnie was still limping from his old head injury. Then another drone spotted "Jonnie" on the shores of Lake Victoria, but he was throwing rocks with the wrong arm.

Well I'll be. Jonnie's injuries are actually a plot point.

Lars shows up and claims that Jonnie's at the compound, disguised as Stormalong. The scarf gave him away - Terl told his human associates to look for Jonnie's collar scars, and "Stormalong" was wearing his scarf awfully high.

The narration tells us that For all the wrong reasons, they had reached the right conclusion. I'm not sure what to make of that. Did Jonnie not have scars on his neck? I guess not, since he didn't make a particular effort to conceal any. So Lars just lucked out on "Stormalong" wearing his accessory wrong, then?

Anyway. In the moments he hasn't spent fuming over his nemesis, Brown Limper has finalized his contract with the Brigantes and used them to relocate the Village of the Idiots to the spot Jonnie wanted them to move to. Then they rigged Jonnie's house to explode if the door was so much as opened, something they can blame on the old tactical nuclear mines buried around the settlement (turns out that's what the radiation was from, by the way).

All that's left is to send Jonnie home. So the Brigantes are ordered to replace the Academy's security force, since the student taking turns as guards need to spend their time studying. Lars the Nazi of the Year 3000 is sent with two henchmen to arrest Jonnie, then send him off under house arrest. Then boomies.

...Hey, Brown Limper? Why not just shoot Jonnie? Arrest him, put him in a car, drive him out of town, put a bullet in the back of his head, and dump the body in the woods somewhere. Do you really think the Scots won't be miffed when their demigod is killed in a mysterious explosive mishap after being sent into a building on your orders? At least disappearing Jonnie lets you deny that there's even been a murder. You're not a very good dictator, are you?

Next chapter, the theology of Adolf Hitler, as told by the apostle Lars.


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Forward to Chapter Four