Table of Contents

This is much better than scrolling backwards through the post archives.



The Premise 
The Cover  
The Introduction

Part 1
Chapter 1 – What It Means!
Chapter 2 – The Hero Appears
Chapter 3 – Say No to Drugs
Chapter 4 – I Still Don’t Like These People
Chapter 5 – The Journey of a Thousand Steps Begins With A Single Twerp
Chapter 6 – Burps and Bizarre Biology
Chapter 7 – Pig Battle
Chapter 8 – I’m Serious, The Window “Bites” Him
Chapter 9 – Inebriated Alien Infants
Chapter 10 – Arbitrary Skepticism
Chapter 11 – Purty Pictures
Chapter 12 – Roach Battle
Chapter 13 – What a Weird Horse 

Part 2
Chapter 1 – The Worst Zoo in the World 
Chapter 2  - Jonnie’s Day Gets Worse 
Chapter 3 – Terl Does Homework 
Chapter 4 – Despite All His Rage… 
Chapter 5 – The Care And Feeding of Man-Things
Chapter 6 – Thirsty For Knowledge (And Potable Water) 
Chapter 7 – Upgrade Artifact
Chapter 8 – Psychlo Economics 101 
Chapter 9 – Of Drama Bombs and Other Explosions 
Chapter 10 – Shooting Yourself in the Foot by Punching Someone Else in the Face 
           
Part 3
Chapter 1 – The Plot… Continues 
Chapter 2 – On Productivity and Urine-Free Floors
Chapter 3 – So Easy, Even a Caveman Can Do It
Chapter 4 – More Like a Baron, Maaaybe an Earl
Chapter 5 – The Chapter After Part 3, Chapter 4
Chapter 6 – Terl’s Big Day 
Chapter 7 – Psychlo Humor 
Chapter 8 – I Liked It Better When Jonnie Was On Fire 
  
Part 4
Chapter 1 – A Chapter For Chrissie 
Chapter 2 – Terl Plays Dress-Up 
Chapter 3 – Terl the Thespian 
Chapter 4 – Jonnie Gets a Nickname 
Chapter 5 – Payback’s a Female Dog-Animal 
Chapter 6 – A Joyride With Terl 
Chapter 7 – Jonnie Does It Wrong 
Chapter 8 – Office Politics 
Chapter 9 – Learning on the Job 
           
Part 5
Chapter 1 – And It Can Still Slice This Tomato 
Chapter 2 – A Vivid Preview of a Future Setting 
Chapter 3 – Well, That Was Easy 
Chapter 4 – Radiation = Bad 
Chapter 5 – Hope They Don’t Hit a Bump, Jonnie Might Fall Out 
Chapter 6 – Learning the Language of Your Enemies?  Good Idea 
Chapter 7 – You Probably Should Have Test-Fired the Thing at Some Point 
Chapter 8 – They Must Be Going Slow, Nobody’s Shouting 
Chapter 9 – Frisk? 
           
Interim – Rounded to Two Decimal Places 

Part 6
Chapter 1 – The Riddle of Numph 
Chapter 2 – The Riddle of Numph: Terl’s Blackmailing 
Chapter 3 – The Riddle of Numph: The Windsplitter 
Chapter 4 – The Riddle of Numph: Facemasks of Evil 
Chapter 5 – The Riddle of Numph: The Thinking Cap 
Chapter 6 – The Riddle of Numph: Bovine of Time 
Chapter 7 – The Riddle of Numph: Scottish Treks 
Chapter 8 – The Riddle of Numph: A Link to the Scots 
Chapter 9 – The Riddle of Numph: Phantom Scotsman 
Chapter 10 – The Riddle of Numph: Noonlit Psychlo 
Chapter 11 – The Riddle of Numph: Majorly Dumb 

Interim – How Not to Organize Your Book 

Part 7
Chapter 1 – Part 6, Chapter 12 
Chapter 2 – Why Not a Truck of M-16s?! 
Chapter 3 – Mascara and Eyebones 
Chapter 4 – A Nameless Priest, An Unusual Prayer 
Chapter 5 – -------- -------- -------- 
Chapter 6 – He Should’ve Said “Please” 
Chapter 7 – Pretty Rocks and Teleportation Trouble 
Chapter 8 – Ker Blabs, Jonnie Watches 
           
Part 8
Chapter 1 – Jonnie Gives Terl the Rod 
Chapter 2 – A Pointless Waste of Paper 
Chapter 3 – The Penny Drops 
Chapter 4 – A Raid, Complete with Purple Drops 
Chapter 5 – Hubbard’s Campaign Uses Psionics 

Part 9
Chapter 1 – How to Keep Busy During a Blizzard 
Chapter 2 – Something Falls in a River, Another Something Explodes, and I Just Don’t Care 
Chapter 3 – Terl Does Not Like the Rocky Mountains 
Chapter 4 – Return to the Village of the Idiots 
Chapter 5 – Escape from the Village of the Idiots 
Chapter 6 – Oh Yeah, That Place 
           
Part 10
Chapter 1 – The Lightless Depths of Colorado 
Chapter 2 – Germ Storage 
Chapter 3 – In Search of Hidden Fun Stuff 
Chapter 4 – An Invasion Storyboarded 
Chapter 5 – D-32: Never Forget! 
Chapter 6 – Tonight, on a Very Special Episode of Battlefield Spork 
Chapter 7 – A Burial, of Sorts 
Chapter 8 – Freakout 
Chapter 9 – The Perfect Crime 
           
Part 11
Chapter 1 – Mining With Dummies 
Chapter 2 – Retroactive False Alarm 
Chapter 3 – Destruaction is Imminant! 
Chapter 4 – Midgets in Positions of Authority 
Chapter 5 – He Plans to Murder Them, in Other Words 
Chapter 6 – Time Passes, But Stupidity Intercepts 
Chapter 7 – Shiny Yellow Metal 
Chapter 8 – More Shiny Yellow Metal 
Chapter 9 – An Offscreen Explosion?  They MUST Be Dead! 
Chapter 10 – The Beginning of the Beginning 
           
Part 12
Chapter 1 – Shoulda Worn a Kevlar Girdle 
Chapter 2 – Are We At War Yet? 
Chapter 3 – Weight Lifting 
Chapter 4 – Boom 
Chapter 5 – Canine-Animal Fight 
Chapter 6 – Astonishing Visual Acuity 
Chapter 7 – Tolneps, Hockners, and Bolbods 
Chapter 8 – Don’t Panic 
           
Part 13
Chapter 1 – Continue Not Panicking 
Chapter 2 – Jonnie has a Sandwich 
Chapter 3 – And Now We’re in Cornwall 
Chapter 4 – The Adventures of Zzt 
Chapter 5 – Hello Again, Nup 
Chapter 6 – Blasters > A-Bombs 
Chapter 7 – Tolneps on a Gas Drone 
Chapter 8 – Zzt Has Had It With These Mothercrunching Tolneps On This Mothercrunching Drone 
Chapter 9 – Vomit With Embarrassment 
Chapter 10 – In Which Jonnie’s Ability to Work a Wrench is a Crucial Plot Point 
           
Part 14
Chapter 1 – Meanwhile… 
Chapter 2 – Oh Look, Back on the Gas Drone 
Chapter 3 – Droning On and On and On… 
Chapter 4 – A Brief Respite, an Unlikable New Character 
Chapter 5 – By Popular Demand, More Gas Drone      
Chapter 6 – That Took Bloody Long Enough 
Chapter 7 – Mission (Finally) Accomplished 
             
Part 15
Chapter 1 – So if a Vampire Bites a King… 
Chapter 2 – In Which I Lose All Faith in Humanity 
Chapter 3 – Losing My Religion 
Chapter 4 – A Heartfelt Appeal for Unity 
           
Part 16
Chapter 1 – Atonement 
Chapter 2 – Math is Hard! 
Chapter 3 – Aerial Stunts and Parades 
Chapter 4 – Back in the Cage 
Chapter 5 – Psychlos Acting Stranger than Usual 
           
Part 17
Chapter 1 – Brown Limper’s Very Own Chapter 
Chapter 2 – The Cripple, the Nazi, and the Alien 
Chapter 3 – Oh Good, Jonnie’s Back 
Chapter 4 – The Brigantes 
Chapter 5 – Jungle Japes 
Chapter 6 – Chrissie’s Probably Making Clothes Somewhere 
Chapter 7 – Little Ol’ Lady Smoothies 
Chapter 8 – Oh Yeah, the Prisoners 
           
Part 18
Chapter 1 – Savages 
Chapter 2 – In Which Our Heroes Return to a Location, Talk a Bit, and Leave 
Chapter 3 – Money Woes 
Chapter 4 – A Bloodsoaked Scrap of Plaid 
Chapter 5 – The Best-Planned Raid in History, Part One 
Chapter 6 – The Best-Planned Raid in History, Part Two 
Chapter 7 – Suicide by Copyright Infringement 
Chapter 8 – A Legion of Doom, of Sorts 
Chapter 9 – Things Somehow Manage to Get Dumber 
           
Part 19
Chapter 1 – Brown Limper Remembers His Training 
Chapter 2 – The Big One 
Chapter 3 – The Grey Man 
Chapter 4 – Ker’s Letter 
Chapter 5 – I Was Getting Tired of Africa Anyway 
Chapter 6 – Duplicity 
Chapter 7 – Ker’s Belated Backstory 
Chapter 8 – In Which We Learn Psychlos Are Triple-Jointed 

Part 20
Chapter 1 – Espionage 
Chapter 2 – Further Espionage 
Chapter 3 – Body Doubles and Booby Traps 
Chapter 4 – In Which There is Stalling, but a Distinct Lack of Stalin 
Chapter 5 – A Trial of the Year 3000 
Chapter 6 – The Beginning of the End (For Bittie) 
Chapter 7 – I Forget Where The “Compound” Is, To Be Honest 
Chapter 8 – Muh-Muh-Muh-Muh-Monster Kill! 
Chapter 9 - Bye-Bye Bittie 
Chapter 10 – Posthumous Promotion 

Part 21
Chapter 1 - The One?
Chapter 2 - Who'd Hide Cameras in an Air Vent, Anyway?
Chapter 3 - Insomnia and Space Travel 
Chapter 4 - Xenos
Chapter 5 - Terl Builds a Bomb
Chapter 6 - She Was Doing Well Until She Tried to Think
Chapter 7 - Some Kind of Force Field


Part 22
Chapter 1 - Invasion (of Failure)
Chapter 2 - Nice Hat
Chapter 3 - Earmuffs Save the Day
Chapter 4 - Ironically, There are Chinese Refugees in Tibet
Chapter 5 - Scotland Takes Over the World


Part 23
Chapter 1 -Schrödinger's Tank
Chapter 2 - Hitlerpoleon?  Napler?
Chapter 3 - Minefields in Space are Stupid 
Chapter 4 - War Economics 
Chapter 5 - And Ker Keeps Borrowing My Stapler
Chapter 6 - Logic Bombs
Chapter 7 - Not So Much a Dogfight as a Joust
Chapter 8 - I Wonder What the xkcd Guy Would Make of This One 
Chapter 9 - The End of the Middle But Not Quite the Beginning of the End Yet


Part 24
Chapter 1 - Here We Go Again 
Chapter 2 - Is it him?  No.  Or is it?  Maybe it is. 
Chapter 3 - And All Was Laid Unto Burnination
Chapter 4 - The Final Countdown 
Chapter 5 - L. Ron Hubbard vs Journalists
Chapter 6 - Where's the Kaboom?  There was Supposed to be an Earth-Shattering Kaboom! 


Part 25
Chapter 1 - This Time Will Be Different! 
Chapter 2 - Back in Africa 
Chapter 3 -  Not So Much a Siege as an Annoyance
Chapter 4 - Vengeance for Unnamed Swiss Guy
Chapter 5 - I Suppose This is the Turning Point 


Part 26
Chapter 1 - 834 Pages In, a Breakdown of Teleportation Rules
Chapter 2 - Pitch Black, Cavernous Plot Holes 
Chapter 3 - Dam 
Chapter 4 - Enter: Blan Jetso! 
Chapter 5 - Jonnie Takes a Bath, Learns Some Manners 
Chapter 6 - Jonnie Gets a Haircut, Gets Dressed, and is Told a Story 
Chapter 7 - Sir Robert is Not a Diplomat 


Part 27
Chapter 1 - Let's Talk Pirates
Chapter 2 - Further Accusations of Piracy 
Chapter 3 - A Duplicitous Diplomat 
Chapter 4 - Astronomy Lesson 
Chapter 5 - Tolneps Need Those Hannibal Lecter Masks 
Chapter 6 - In Case You Were Wondering How the Wider War Was Going
Chapter 7 - OM NOM NOM 
Chapter 8 - So Much For the Tolneps 
Chapter 9 - Yes, He Can Blow Up Worlds AND Fly a Plane 
Chapter 10 - The Punchline 


Part 28
Chapter 1- Jonnie Accidentally the Psychlo Empire
Chapter 2 - Planning a Future Conversation 
Chapter 3 - Feeding Frenzy 
Chapter 4 - Introducing the Selachee, and Further Psychlo History 
Chapter 5 - Strictly Business 
Chapter 6 - Do Not Store Coal in Doorways 


Part 29
Chapter 1 - The Worst Two Days
Chapter 2 - The Day After The Worst Two Days 
Chapter 3 - What Is It Good For? 
Chapter 4 - Two Characters Change Locations 
Chapter 5 - The Treaty of Kariba 
Chapter 6 - Jonnie Finds His Bankers 
Chapter 7 - That Nutter Keynes 


Part 30
Chapter 1 - The Battle of the Banks
Chapter 2 - Bet Those Psychlos Feel Pretty Stupid Now 
Chapter 3 - Pax Jonnie
Chapter 4 - To All Races Except the Psychlos, Anyway  
Chapter 5 - Because Nobody Likes Low-Income Heroes 


Part 31 
Chapter 1 - Now We're in Luxembourg
Chapter 2 - Jonnie's Palace 
Chapter 3 - That's Enough Luxembourg, Let's Go Back to Africa
Chapter 4 - Now We Laugh at the French  
Chapter 5 - Fearsome Psychlo Corpses
Chapter 6 - Pattie Goes Where She Wants
Chapter 7 - I Think It's a Reference to "Psychiatrist"  
Chapter 8 - Chirk Doesn't Wake Up 
Chapter 9 - Chirk Wakes Up


Part 32
Chapter 1 - Roll Where?  
Chapter 2 - Dental Plan 
Chapter 3 - Talking About Math 
Chapter 4 - Even More Psychlo History 
Chapter 5 - It's Possible to Like Mining Too Much 
Chapter 6 - Are We Done Yet?
Chapter 7 - No Hard Feelings About the Genocide  

Epilogue 
All Good Things Come to an End.  Also, Battlefield Earth is Over.
  
It's Not Over Yet

Rambling, Amateur Literary Analysis
The Problems With Terl, and Other Villains
The Problems With Jonnie
The Problems With Psychlos
The Problems With Structure
Battlefield Earth and Scientology
The Film of the Book
Ways to Salvage Battlefield Earth 

Closing the Book 
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